Brave? Natural childbirth is brave. Rosa Parks refusing to move to the back of the bus was brave. Being a cop or a firefighter or a solider or an inner city high school teacher - that's brave. I have two girlfriends who are traveling alone all over the world right now - and not just to well known tourist destinations like Paris - but to the remote reaches of Asia, Africa, Latin America. I think they're brave.
It seems like when people use the word "brave" to describe what I'm doing, what they're really responding to is that I'm trying something new even if it's risky. In that sense, I'm most definitely not brave. There's lots of things that I would never try - climb a mountain, go scuba diving, jump out of a plane - because I don't like the risks. Even here in Paris I find it difficult to go out on a limb and ask someone to lunch or drinks because I'm afraid of the answer: "Why would I waste my free time on YOU, a total stranger who barely speaks my language, when I could spend it with family, friends, or cutting my toe nails?" That's probably what I would say (OK - a little bit nicer) to a someone in my situation if we were back in the U.S.
Actually, what scares me most is that when people use the word "brave," it's because they can't imagine taking a chance for something they might love. It's easier to be safe and secure than to take a risk, even if that means that ultimately you're sacrificing a chance at happiness. I include myself in that category because I've lived it before many times. I just saw this movie "Synchedoche, New York" and it's basically about how each of us is just a small, insignificant part of this world, and we're all going through the same feelings of depression, loneliness, disappointment, and heartache because we think we're special and we're not. (Really uplifting movie by the way - highly recommend it.) ;-) Those of you know me well would not describe me as a dare devil or a risk seeker. But when I look back on my life, every time I gambled big by my humble defintion, I won. Going to Japan, quitting my job to go to Berkeley, leaving my life in San Francisco to move back to DC... I may not have done it many times, but those are the times that made a huge impact on my life. So with that track record, isn't it only natural to think that one more roll of the dice might just pay off? Is that brave or just faulty logic?
Well, I'm going to wrap this up before I start sounding like Carrie Bradshaw writing rhetorical questions for her Sex and the City column. The bottom line is I don't know how things are going to turn out here. It's harder than I thought it would be, and sometimes I think I'm completely crazy for even being in Paris when the people that I love most are so far away. But, in some ways, I feel like it's already paid off because I don't know how things are going to turn out here. That means every day is an adventure. I leave it to others to be brave; I just hope that I'm not afraid to follow my heart.
Thanks for reading!
I think it's interesting that you end with "I leave it to others to be brave." Because I think so often our definition of bravery is defined by things that we would not do ourselves out of fear, but for someone else they find it rewarding, exhilirating, fun. Many people would not do what you're doing - so they will define you as brave. Own it girlfriend!! You are brave.
ReplyDeleteThese days I'm thinking a lot about how if something turns out horribly, it does not mean that it wasn't worth doing. My life is spent mostly cleaning up a big fat mess right now, but the lessons I've learned are more valuable than anything. I'm still glad I opened my own business - and no matter what happens in Paris, I am confident that you will always be glad you went.
Wow. I have always thought you were brave since the time that you went to LEAD in high school till now. Maybe it's not the fact that you're brave; maybe it's the fact that you're comfortable enough with who you are to be with yourself when you don't know anyone--that you don't move to CA or Paris or wherever to run away from your life, but to begin a new one by choice. It's like you know what you want and you go after it. Many people don't even know what they want. Or if they do, they're afraid to go after it because they're afraid they might fail. But like you said, how will we ever know we'll fail at something if we don't take the chance to go after it in the first place?
ReplyDeleteI saw this sign the other day that said "what would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?" I guess that's how we have to go into everything: as if failure were not an option.